100 and 23

Two very different numbers but they both represent two different milestones 🙂

100:
The number of days Dan has been gone. We have hit the triple digits! Even the smallest milestone feels like something huge to celebrate in this deployment. I still remember hitting the number 10 and thinking how far we had to go. We still have a long way but I feel a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that we are sliding down. The worst is behind us (it had better be!). The next four weeks will fly by while we play in Europe and by the time we are home the holidays will be kicking into gear (I’m not quite sure how I’m going to be emotionally for that…) and it will be crunch time in getting the house unpacked and ready for Thurow 2.0! I knew summer was going to drag (and boy was I right) but I have a feeling fall is going to speed up and before long my husband will be home and we will welcome a new sweet baby! I cannot wait to say my family of FOUR (!!!) is all together. That is all that is on my list for Santa this year!

I have to say I am impressed that I have managed to be with my crazy two year old for 100 straight days without losing my damn mind. I have not had more than 3hrs apart from her in that entire length of time (and I can count how many times even that has happened on one hand…with extra fingers). It hasn’t been pretty some days. We have both shed some tears and thrown some decent temper tantrums but we are both surviving 🙂  I’m doing my best but some days I just have to call a bust and turn to TV or something else to keep sane. I’m trying hard to let go of the mommy guilt that comes with that! Please tell me that a few months of extra screen time won’t completely ruin her or rot her brain!

For me I do feel like my brain is slowly turning to mush. I can easily go weeks without having any real adult conversation (except for the quick 5 min phone calls from Dan). Not having a good support system in town stinks. Before deployment there was a lot of talk of people helping and all the resources available…..once Dan left everyone pretty much faded and all I have gotten are sympathetic looks and  “man that must be hard” comments. The worst ones have surprisingly been from other military wives/moms on base. I try not to get bitter about it….but it is hard. Some days I do feel like I’m drowning in a pool with a crowd of people watching me saying “poor thing, that stinks!” but no one coming to help. And if one more person tells me they completely understand how hard it is to be the sole caregiver because their “husband went on a 2wk work trip” or their husband “works long hours and often isn’t home before the kids go to bed several times a week” I might just lose it. Unless you married a complete douche who never helps with the kids and never gives you any alone time (or hell just time to go to the stupid grocery store alone) then they are really not the same thing.

See what I mean about the bitter part 😦  The above rant is totally not how I am normally! Ugh! I do envy people with close family/friends in town that they can lean on during times like these!!! Next deployment I am definitely packing up and moving to CA with the kids! I need my support system! (Kimmy you want roommates right?!) 😉

Luckily I have an amazing little girl. She doesn’t sleep for crap which is annoying but she is adorable, caring, cuddly and smart as hell! Since Dan has been gone she has learned all her colors, most of her shapes (working on hard ones now like pentagon & hexagon), almost all her upper/lowercase letters (confuses B/D and E/F), can count to 20 and recognize numbers 1-9. She honestly amazes me! She loves to sing and dance….my only pandora station now is the toddler station (I will be singing those damn songs on my deathbed!) and she FINALLY became interested in coloring! She talks up a storm and is mommy’s little parrot (mommy is currently working on her language!). The days are long and hard but she is more than worth it! Mommy guilt is still an evil little bastard (he moves in about the time you pee on a stick and takes up residence) but honestly doing this alone during deployment and seeing her thrive has given me a lot more confidence in my parenting skills. I’m not perfect….but I think I’m pretty damn good at it! 🙂 I guess we will see how number #2 throws me for a loop!

23:

The number of weeks I am! Most people celebrate “viability” at 24wks which always seemed weird to me since we routinely admitted 23 weekers into the NICU. Honestly 23 and even 24wks is not “viability” to me….we have another personal date that we celebrate that. However at 23wks pregnancy gets very real and very….weird…to me. At this stage I can easily picture how big my baby is…how much he/she weighs….what he/she looks like (hint: they all pretty much look the same at this gestation!). I have held and changed diapers of babies at the same stage of development as my own little one. I have heard what a 23wk cry sounds like. I have spent countless nights running around like a mad woman trying my damnedest to keep that little one alive. I know how fragile and yet how strong these babies are. I will say that this is one area where my NICU experience does not really help me. It honestly creeps me out. I spend the next several weeks thinking about what issues that particular gestation period is up against if the baby comes early. I replay the stats in my head and celebrate the little things (“babies blood/brain barrier is now formed” yay!). I can’t help but think of all the 23, 24, 25, 26+ weekers I have cared for and the good/bad/ugly outcomes.

Honestly it probably isn’t healthy.

Friends I worked with never seemed to have this problem. If anything they enjoyed knowing and going to work and seeing what their baby was like at each stage. I don’t know why my mind goes into overdrive with worry. My only guess is because I always feel like something should go wrong. Twice now I have gotten pregnant right away and had wonderful, healthy, easy pregnancies. I don’t take this for granted and know how damn lucky I am. I often just feel like I’ve been too lucky in this regard. Makes no sense and I would probably roll my eyes at someone else saying it….but you can’t stop that annoying quiet inner voice!

But for tonight I’m going to tell that inner voice to kiss it and celebrate hitting another small milestone with this sweet baby. 🙂

Weekly Update:

• How far along? 23wks!
• How big is baby? 8.5 inches and around 1.5lbs! The size of a grapefruit 🙂
• Total weight gain/loss: approx (+) 13lbs! Agh! More on that below…
• Stretch marks? Nope! Skin is definitely stretched though!
• Sleep: Not the best and not the worst. I do love my snoogle though!
• Best moment this week: Hitting another milestone closer to Dan being home!
• Movement: Having an anterior placenta freaking blows! I do get kicks but nothing like I had with Harper! So bummed :*(  If this were my first baby I wouldn’t know the difference but I do so it is a double bummer.
• Food cravings: Sweets are coming on strong! I love donuts…same as with Harper!
• Gender: Team Green!
• Labor Signs: Not for a long time hopefully
• Belly Button in or out? Still in but I’m betting it flattens completely in a few weeks.
• What I miss: Sleep, “me” time, and baby kicks
• What I am looking forward to: Europe in 5 days!!!!!!!
• Weekly Wisdom: When the only adult conversation you get is with yourself your mind becomes a dangerous place 😉
• Milestones: We hit that dreaded/anticipated 23 week mark!

As you can see from my picture above this kid is growing like crazy! We have renamed this little one our “monster” because it is growing like one! I still have a few weeks of 2nd trimester and I feel HUGE! I take these pictures in the morning when my baby bump is smallest…..at night after dinner it is seriously insane. So uncomfortable already. How the heck is 3rd tri going to be?! I knew things got bigger quicker with #2 but I was not prepared for this! Please tell me it slows down at some point!

I’m also a little freaked by the weight gain this pregnancy! I’m honestly perfectly on schedule (they say 4lbs the first tri and one pound every week after….that would put me at 14lbs and I’m weighing in at 13!) but it is weird to be up this much since I only gained a total of 14lbs with Harper! I was super sick with her and lost a ton of weight in the first half so the lbs didn’t start until later. I started out this pregnancy almost 15lbs below what I started at with Harper so ultimately my goal is to be the same weight I was when I had her since that would be the perfect recommended gain. Just hard seeing the numbers jump so quick! Haha!

Luckily I am in MUCH better shape this time around! I did not do a lot of exercising when I was pregnant with Harper. Most of my pregnancy was during a really bad Chicago winter so getting out in the snow to go to the gym just was not appealing…and I’ve always stunk at working out at home! Living in the city did mean lots of walking (man I miss that!!!) so I wasn’t a total bum but I wasn’t in great shape either! 😉  This time the gym in my safe haven! 2hrs of childcare? I am THERE! I have a yoga instructor that I love who keeps me going and helps me modify what needs to be modified without compromising the intensity. Just working out and staying in shape have made this pregnancy soooo much easier! The hip/back pain that I really struggled with last time have yet to make a real appearance. If I miss a few days at the gym or my yoga classes though I can feel it creeping in. Chasing after a 2yr old and carrying her everywhere (she is super clingy right now) is also great to stay in shape! No laying around all day for me anymore!

Hopefully staying in shape helps me shed the weight quick after monster arrives! I just ordered my BOB Revolution Duallie (so excited!!) and I am really looking forward to the mommy bootcamp after I’m cleared to workout.