Words cannot express how happy I am that the day of departure has come and gone! The actual day was just as emotional and exhausting as expected. Our original plan had been to send Harper to school in the morning for a part day and then pick her up on the way to the airport. When the day arrived though none of us wanted to be separated for a single minute, so instead we packed up and went for a nice breakfast together before heading to the airport. Best decision ever! I spent the morning trying my hardest to hide my panic (the shaking usually gives me away though!) and Dan tried to remain as upbeat as possible. While Jake is too young to really understand anything we could tell that Harper was extremely nervous. We had talked a bunch about this deployment with her but she still doesn’t always get it. That day however she knew something big and not happy was happening. Watching your child go through the emotions of deployment is 100X harder than going through them yourself. I just wanted to shield her from everything 😦
Once at the airport things got really hard. Harper refused to leave Dans side for a second and seeing all the other men/women in uniform with their families felt like a punch in the gut. No more denial that this was really happening. Once he was checked in and dropped off his bags we found our own little corner and just stood there. At the last minute we decided to say our goodbyes before security like last time. All but one of the other families chose the same. As much as you want time to just freaking stop eventually you realize that the end has to happen. Somehow one guy finds the courage to give his loved ones that last hug and walk away….one by one the others start to follow. Eventually all that is left is a large group of family members…everyone crying yet trying to be strong. Poor Harper saw everyone crying and thought she was supposed to too so she walked out to the car doing her fake cry (until she saw the elevator, then she just forgot her sadness and ran for it yelling that she got to push the button! haha! oh kids!). The physical pain of that moment is unmatched 😦
So now he is gone and the question I get the most is “how are you guys?!”. Our answer…….actually pretty good! We miss him like crazy and have had our moments, but this deployment feels completely different than last time. Not having pregnancy hormones running through me and having the “benefit” of doing this before really helps. The first time I was still trying to find my way as a mom and being alone was terrifying. This time I feel pretty comfortable in my role as mommy so while I am not looking forward to playing the sole parent role I know I CAN handle it. Being able to enjoy a glass of wine after bedtime helps a bit too! 😉 Above all I feel like I am the lucky one in this deployment. I have my adorable babies to keep me going. They might drive me insane sometimes but when I feel lonely and sad their sweet giggles and hugs make things ok. Dan has it hardest by being away and not getting those times. I try my best to keep him involved by frequent emails and daily pictures & videos. Thank GOD for Facetime! I do not know how people handled deployment before technology. I could not do it! Keeping his spirits up is our goal this time.
To keep our own spirits up we are getting the heck out of TX once school is over for Harper! 100+ degree weather and having no one around to help or talk to is misery for everyone. I almost lost my mind last time…I will do anything to make this time different. Once Harper finishes school we are making the looooong drive up to Madison, WI (stopping in Dallas to visit family for a week and in Kansas City for a few days to visit some amazing military friends we miss terribly!!!!) to move in with my in-laws for the next 4 1/2 months! Telling people I’m moving in with the in-laws gets me some pretty funny reactions! 😉 I won’t lie and say I didn’t have reservations when we first tossed out the idea, moving in with ANY set of parents at this age (and with 2 kids!) can be a little nerve wracking. In the end though it made the most sense. I get out of hot as hell TX during the summer, the ability to visit family and old friends in Chicago, tons of activities for Harper that are not available here in San Antonio, ability to beef up our retirement/college savings account, and the chance to let the kids get to know their paternal grandparents better. I expect there to be a few bumps as we all learn to live together….but we will come out of it with hopefully a closer relationship and a few crazy stories! 🙂 I do have several weekends planned doing little trips to Milwaukee and Chicago for fun and to give us all some breathing room when needed! 😉 The biggest advantage is keeping Harper distracted and out of our usual routine. Our routine here is that daddy comes home at the end of the day. He is there most of the time for one quick kiss or story before bedtime. Not having that is hard for her. Putting her in a new place that has no connection with daddy for her will help and keeping her busy and entertained will hopefully make the days fly by. I am strong enough to handle deployment and Jake is young enough to not be effected……but Harper is the one that keeps me up at night with worries. So far she is taking this like a champ, but we are 1 week in….4 months from now might be an entirely different story. So far I have her enrolled in a 2wk French immersion camp for 4-6yrs old (so excited about this!!!), 4 wks of nature camp at the Madison Nature center (digging in mud, playing around ponds, looking for bugs….sooooo not something she is going to get from me!) ;), and 4 weeks of daily swim lessons! Add in the AMAZING farmers markets, festivals, trips to Chicago, and learning how to garden/compost with her grandma = one amazing summer! Summer up north is amazing and I have missed it sooo much since we moved 3yrs ago!
I’m not one for cliche sayings but this one is one I’ve pinned up to look at when times get tough:
“I’m not the perfect military wife. Deployments sometimes get to me and there are times when nothing seems to go right when he is gone.I think about how wonderful it would be to have my Airman home all the time. There are times when he is home that I push him away so it doesn’t hurt so bad when he leaves again. At night I cry because I can no longer handle trying to stay strong. There are times when I feel like walking away from this life that I built. But when I stop and think about it I remember just how much I love my man and I’m proud to be an Air Force Wife.”
We also have a sign put up that says “One day closer”…….Step by step we will make it through this again. It is the ultimate test of a marriage and family. Not much else can compare. We come out with some scars but we come out together. That is how I know that no matter the hard times I picked the right guy for me. Marriage is hard work. Harder than I ever could have imagined on my wedding day. A military marriage is even harder…..but I wouldn’t change it for anything!
5 days down…..so many left to go 😦
Passports & Prams 